lost time

nothing can be remembered clearly

concisely explained

all documents are unable to be recovered

my mind is elsewhere caught in a past that might have never existed

you were there

experiences alike

recollections diametrically opposed

even if my only want was to be safe in your shadow

now I'm exposed in sight solitary screaming

no echoes answers help dialogue

somedays I can breathe

somedays I can sleep

somedays I won't recall

I am not sure if I should

I can't find a way out up over beyond through 

the only truth is I cannot stay

if only there were no bruises 

blood above the surface 

sticky slick red violet wet drip flood ebb

cliché lie false impression unsmiling eyes psychotic grin titter laugh wink lie assurance promise lie regret

I've known regret before I was given the word

broke bitch

Ass still broken. Hurts to sit. Fuck all aspects of my life. 

bruise pristine

fustigate \FUSS-tuh-gayt\

verb
1 : to beat with or as if with a short heavy club 2 : to criticize severely

Someone fustigated me last night.

stray pieces

xenophobia \zen-uh-FOH-bee-uh\

noun: fear and hatred of strangers or foreigners or of anything that is strange or foreign

My xenophobia is internal. I hate the parts of me I don't know but stumble across.

If one doesn't have a heart, how can it break in so many ways?

blank

admonish \ad-MAH-nish\

verb
1 a : to indicate duties or obligations to b : to express warning or disapproval to especially in a gentle, earnest, or solicitous manner
2 : to give friendly earnest advice or encouragement to

I have no earnest advice.

no exit

milieu \meel-YOO\

noun: the physical or social setting in which something occurs or develops : environment

The artificial milieu of the stage I've set desiccated under the harsh conditions of the atmosphere.
How am I still breathing.

tick

expunge \ix-SPUNJ\

verb
1 : to strike out, obliterate, or mark for deletion 2 : to efface completely : destroy 3 : to eliminate (as a memory) from one's consciousness

So much has been expunged from my timeline and at the same time, not enough.

rapunzel

ramify \RAM-uh-fye\

verb
1 : to split up into branches or constituent parts 2 : to send forth branches or extensions 3 : to cause to branch

There are things I can't remember and moments I wish to forget. In bed with princess hair and my protector, the thoughts ramble and ramify, leaving me confused. Where do I go for the piece I lost?

I lay here wondering if I'm missed.

hardened

festoon \fess-TOON\

noun
1 : a decorative chain or strip hanging between two points 2 : a carved, molded, or painted ornament representing a decorative chain

Early on in my boxed-in office life, I made myself a festoon of paper hearts. They looked so promising then, a simple craft to garnish the light streaming in from the macadam lot beyond the broken plastic blinds. Now they get caught every time I try and shut out the day.
Hearts get in the way of everything.

need it

accident \AK-suh-dunt\

noun
1 a : an unforeseen and unplanned event or circumstance b : lack of intention or necessity : chance
2 : an unfortunate event resulting especially from carelessness or ignorance
3 : a nonessential property or quality of an entity or circumstance

It's no accident I wake with the striped shirt tangled around me. I sleep with it religiously every night; staring at the stitching, repeated over and over, alternating colors, calms my mind when the dreams refuse to come.

push it

satiety \suh-TYE-uh-tee\

noun
1 : the quality or state of being fed or gratified to or beyond capacity : surfeit, fullness
2 : the revulsion or disgust caused by overindulgence or excess

The trick is to convince yourself of satiety before the satiation hits. Or just lose your mind and believe you can live off apples. Either way deception is necessary for beauty.

oh well

putative \PYOO-tuh-tiv\

adjective
1 : commonly accepted or supposed
2 : assumed to exist or to have existed

It's the putative theory that girls are emotional and attached I wanted to dispel. I'm failing.

girls girls girls

cachinnate \KAK-uh-nayt\

verb: to laugh loudly or immoderately

With all the hype about HBO's Girls, I expected it to be enjoyable. Not necessarily something to cachinnate over but damn. That was like the most depressing thing I could have done tonight.

mind boggle

abstruse \ub-STROOSS\

adjective: difficult to comprehend

Living on the east coast was not nearly as abstruse as coming back to Tucson. This is so confusing.

i disagree with the phonetics

spiel \SPEEL\

noun: a voluble line of often extravagant talk : a speech delivered especially to sell or promote something

So many people feel the need to give me the "better now than later" spiel, but it doesn't help. Time is all I wanted with him. I would give what's left of me for a few more weeks, even a few more days by his side.

hominy

kowtow \KOW-tow\

verb
1 : to show obsequious deference : fawn
2 : to kneel and touch the forehead to the ground in token of homage, worship, or deep respect

Given the chance, I'd kowtow to hear you say cow tail.

isn't in me

vindicate \VIN-duh-kayt\

verb
1 a : avenge
2 a: to free from allegation or blame b : confirm, substantiate c : to provide justification or defense for : justify d : to protect from attack or encroachment : defend 2 : to maintain a right to

Everyone seems to think I would be vindicated to hate you. That anger should come from my pain. I can't. It's just not in me to feel that way about you. I'd be lying to myself if I went down that path.

psychopharmacology

alleviate \uh-LEE-vee-ayt\

verb
1 a : relieve, lessen: as b : to make (as suffering) more bearable c : to partially remove or correct

Psychopharmacology began alleviating our suffering in 1954 with Thorazine. In 2012, they give it to you for hiccups. But there's still to pill to cure a broken heart.

i like it rare

incunabulum \in-kyuh-NAB-yuh-lum\

noun
1 : a book printed before 1501
2 : a work of art or of industry of an early period

I always loved the incanabula and illuminated manuscripts in the UofA special collections. I wanted to explore the rare book department at the Free Library off the parkway. It would have been enchanting to see one of Shakespeare's first folios.

not today

multitudinous \mul-tuh-TOO-duh-nus\
adjective
1 : including a multitude of individuals
2 : existing in a great multitude
3 : existing in or consisting of innumerable elements or aspects

knee-jerk \NEE-jerk\
adjective: readily predictable : automatic; also : reacting in a readily predictable way

After multitudinous knee-jerk reactions to my situation, I'm still here. I know rash decisions won't get me home. Though I can't say I'm content in my exile.